The Right Victim

Ever since Dr. Christine Blasey Ford accused Judge Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct the victim blaming is at an all time high.

I’m used to it. When an unarmed black man is shot by the police, the deceased’s background is incessantly probed. Excuses are made as to justify the shooting, and we move on to the next one (callus, right?). This situation is no different.

I don’t know much about the case. However, I’ve heard/read people’s comments and it’s nothing short of sickening. In a year where sexual misconduct is at the forefront of headlines, we still have a long road to changing societal attitudes. We question why more people don’t report sexual assault. Look no further than the scrutiny they receive for simply making allegations. It makes me wonder.

Who is the right victim?

Is it the woman who was fully clothed walking to her car? Is it the woman who reported rape the night it happened? Or the one who waited years before saying something? What about the girl who walks by and is groped out of “attraction”? Or the wife who doesn’t feel like it, but hubby does. Who is the right victim?

We have this false set of criteria of what sexual assault victims should do with no regard, or understanding, for emotional responses. Sexual assault is based on fear and control. It’s fitting that emotional responses will vary based on the emotions exerted during the acts. So, why are we judging the accuser? Everyone’s response will be different.

My experience.

I got a call from my roommate on a Sunday night telling me that our friend was raped. We raced over to K’s house (I’m keeping her name out of respect) to find her sitting on her knees on the bathroom floor. K was in a daze. I had never seen her like that before. She said, “I can’t believe this is happening again.” K had a prior experience with rape (I don’t know the details), and she held it very close to her heart. K was fiercely loyal and a wonderful friend!  She vowed she would never be put in that situation again, and it happened. Again. I looked at my roommate and we both questioned what we should do. My roommate went into the bedroom to find blood in a couple of areas. K said she didn’t want us to call the police. We did anyways. The cops came, and the lady of the officers who responded did a phenomenal job of working with K.  My roommate and I left. That was my Sunday night.

Since we all worked together (the accused as well), my roommate and I lost our jobs. Why? We didn’t feel comfortable working with the accused, and our manager took that as our resignations. K quit working there as well. The accused was a manager, so management sided with him.

Years later, I got a call from my roommate telling me K committed suicide. I miss her dearly to this day.

Was she the right victim?

She reported the crime the night it happened. Nothing came of it. She lost her job. He kept working. That is a very grim reality of sexual assault, and we still deny it.

For those who don’t believe Dr. Ford. For those who question every sexual assault claim. I have one question.

Who is the right victim?