Everything is Okay

Grief is a complex emotion. 

If there’s anything that stuck with me from my Adulthood and Aging classes, it’s that one fact. People grieve differently. Some eat. Others sleep. Some may cry. Or they’ll pick up a new habit to fill the void they feel in their heart. People become angry and defensive; unanswered questions and uncertainties linger over them. 

Grief is complex. 

It’s so complex that I’m positive I didn’t cover every aspect of how people feel. The basis of it all? Hurt. It’s painful to lose sometime you love. 

As many of you know, grandmother passed January 2015. I miss her everyday. I understand that phrase now. While I miss her, it’s certainly not debilitating. God has blessed to keep pressing forward. That’s what God wants. And my grandmother wouldn’t expect me to “look like I’m sucking on sour lemons” (That means fix your face). There are times where I get sad, but they are only for a moment. Sadness is not an uncommon emotion in the grieving process. The oddest thing for me is when I grieve.

I cry in my dreams. 

Weird, huh? I know I’ve cried because I’ll wake up with tears in my eyes. Then, I’ll vividly remember myself wailing in a dream. And I mean wailing. On my knees. Doubled over. Sobbing with heartbreaking intensity. Grief encompasses me for probably no more than 30 seconds, but it feels a lot longer. Sometimes I wonder if I actually emit sounds while I sleep. I don’t know.

I’m not one to breakdown sobbing. That’s a rare occurrence. However, there are times when I need to get my grief out. Bawling in the middle of Target probably isn’t the place for that. Although, grief comes unexpectedly and you might find yourself holding back tears while you’re scurrying to get out of Target. That really does happen.

For me,  my dreams are one of the best places to grieve. It’s odd, but it’s safe. Why? God is there. He’s counting every tear. He’s comforting me. He’s giving me the space to let out all of the hurt i feel. He takes the pain away. He knows this is what I need. When I wake up and review the events, I realize my heart is a bit lighter. I can go on for another day.
I’ll always miss my grandmother. I’m sure I’ll have more dreams where I grieve her passing. Afterwards, I’ll pick up and keep going. It’s okay.

Everything is okay.